Tuesday, March 18, 2014

#027 - SystemCity

"As of today, SimCity receives it's long awaited offline mode after being debunked on every front that the online was necessary integrally to the game's stability. The game ran fine on the users system without any help of a server, and lo and behold, they finally gave in."

Plot twist, the Eye of Sauron is Lucy Bradshaw on Mount Bullshit.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

#026 - Live Long Enough...

... And see yourself become the villain.

#025 - Hammer and Sledged

"Former Visceral devs now under the united banner of Sledgehammer, responsible for Modern Warfare 3 announce through Activision that they'll be a third team responsible for yet more Call of Duty content. While focused mainly on DLC, they'll themselves bring out another Call of Duty title this year."

Club club club clubbin' that horse.

Monday, January 27, 2014

#024 - Ghastly Call

"The story in Call of Duty Ghosts is so Goddamn awful, who the hell comes up with these scenarios? The storyflow is based on how quickly shit explodes and how much shit explodes. Fuck, if it didn't only take 3 minutes before something detonated preemptively, you could smack a BRAZZERS logo to every chapter."

At least the AI isn't fishy. Fuck off, the bandwagon had room.

Friday, January 24, 2014

#023 - SYGH

"RYSE has got mischievous Gods, a happy go lucky Boudica, werewolf men, Spartacus-if-he-was-Roman and infinite amounts of 'non Roman barbarians'. Oh, right, also Boudica invades Rome on fucking war elephants. Fuck your historical accuracy, woman got elephants."

Jupiter's cock... We need a fucking exorcist to pull the bullshit out of this game.

#022 - Crossing It

"Spec Ops The Line should have won award after award, for fucks sake. No shooter, hell no game has ever made me feel like I'm a worse thing to have happened to those people since the event that started the game initially."

A stab at Hell's heart, from darkness within thee.

#021 - Sixteen Valves of Analogy

"So well over two years ago I made a Volkswagen/Bugatti analogy for Valve's practices. Then last year I made another. Once again, the analogy is changed... As of today, the Golfs got nicked, the Scirocco is gathering dust and the Bugatti shell sits in a fucking scrap yard, but progress on the Fisker! There's many different kinds made by Audi, BMW, Porsche, Chevrolet, NASA, the Washington Post, Arbies, so on!"

The analogy shall remain, this I swear to thee.

#020 - Civilized

"Playing Civilization V: A Brave New World to rekindle the old days of yesteryear. Yes, you can have my silk and citrus if you'll stop mauling my fucking city. Thank you Gandhi."

If war fails, send fruit.

#019 - Disinfectant Z

"Two hours into the Day Z alpha, I force-fed a dude disinfectant and watched him die slowly and painfully. All I wanted was a can opener."

Beans. Bullets. Disinfectant.

#018 - Danger Zone

"There's plenty iterations of the SteamBox. Varied from 499$ to 4999$, a choice for everyone!"

Valve adding to that no fly zone between consoles and building your own computer, the "why the fuck would you" zone.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

#017 - Volksspiellen

"Remember that Volkswagen analogy for Valve's games? 
 Well... Shit hit the fuel injection and now the analogy is as followed: Imagine them having given you a Bugatti shell with a few parts, two Golfs and a updated Scirocco - They now convince you to forget about all that and buy this nifty new unrelated Fisker engine and call it the SteamBox."

Games? Oh, new games by us? You think we're a developer? You deluded peasant, you.

#016 - Saints Will Row

"One of the devs at Volition claims that Saints Row 3 went too bizarre, too far. In the words of Robert Downey Jr, they went full retard. They say they want to go back to their roots."

You're right, suburban kids with SMGs talking gangsta operating from a defunct church are far less bizarre.

#015 - Less Payne

"Why does a suicidal man beg for death to give him a quick one to the skull, yet whenever I get headshot the game gets all 'restart, you filthy scrub' on me. I thought I did him a fucking favor."

Max contradiction.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

#014 - Far Crying

"Speaking of Far Cry 3... I've spend most the time running down those fucking emu looking birds, tigers, pirates, buffalo, townsfolk and stuff with my Jeep and frankly, Cabela could learn something here."

Wild life, wild life, watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when Brody comes for you.

#013 - Call of Insanity

"Do you know the definition of insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Call of Duty has done this since 2009 and gotten different, even better results every fucking time."

Vaas Montenegro's full of shit, man.

#012 - The Z Wars

"Day Z makes you hate everyone, trust no-one and you'd blow your best pal's skull off with a M1014 for his fuckin' beans if hunger kicks in. Whereas War Z just makes you hate the people who play it and the creators even more. Fine line."

Beans, bullets and the corpse of a betrayed friend.

#011 - Medal of Home

"While Medal of Honor: Warfighter tanked harder than a container ship in a tsunami wave while propelled by jet engines, no-one forgets the eerie stare and soul stomping smile of that child and her 3/10 mother."

CGI has come such a long way, then Medal of Honor made it die harder than Hans and Simon Gruber combined.

Monday, April 11, 2011

#010 - 16 Valves

"Half Life is the best unfinished series, it's kinda like Volkswagen giving you a Bugatti in 2005, give you half the engine in 2007 and bits of the valves later on. With the wheels still missing. Then half a year later they give you two VW Golfs and completely deny existence of the Veyron at all...

...Goddamn you Left 4 Dead."

 Valve's business policy.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

#009 - New Gaming Price

"We have learned from our mistakes, the NGP is going to be priced reasonably."

Sony NGP, confirmed price range 0.99$-599.99$


Saturday, January 15, 2011

#007 - Good Morning, D.C.

"Excuse me, sir. Seeing as Ramirez is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PFC off the BS and on the M.A.H. or his intentions may leak from a NTKB to Æ on the WWW."

And if you dooooooooo...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

#006 - Pickle Dicks

"Pickles, monkeys, horses, tribal flames and blood splats. Somehow, while not unexpected, the rotten core of the gaming community has gone to places where most soldiers haven't gone before."

A whole new kind of warfare.

Friday, December 10, 2010

#005 - Alot Like

"Adding 1000 cars and only making 200 photo realistic is alot like having wonderful sex for 2 minutes and then suddenly going to sleep while snoring loud in her face."

Gran Turismo 101: Thrust + Exhaust = Joy?


#004 - Hell Froze Over

"Hell will freeze over sooner than Duke Nukem Forever will see the light of day."

Hottest place in earth just got nippy.


#003 - The Quick and the Black Ops


Modern Warfare 2 player reading the Treyarch "quickscoping is no more" article for Black Ops.


#002 - World in Conflict


Frank West didn't cover these wars.


#001 - Et tu, Valve?

"Long past the nuclear annihilation that burned Earth to a scorched ball of fire, Gabe Newell awakens from his nap and jumps out of his underground shack, rides to the Los Angeles Convention Centre and announces Half Life 3, due to come out next week Valve time. The fourteen cockroaches and Keith Richards that still live at this point, are happy."

Likelyhood of Half Life 3.