Tuesday, March 18, 2014

#027 - SystemCity

"As of today, SimCity receives it's long awaited offline mode after being debunked on every front that the online was necessary integrally to the game's stability. The game ran fine on the users system without any help of a server, and lo and behold, they finally gave in."

Plot twist, the Eye of Sauron is Lucy Bradshaw on Mount Bullshit.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

#026 - Live Long Enough...

... And see yourself become the villain.

#025 - Hammer and Sledged

"Former Visceral devs now under the united banner of Sledgehammer, responsible for Modern Warfare 3 announce through Activision that they'll be a third team responsible for yet more Call of Duty content. While focused mainly on DLC, they'll themselves bring out another Call of Duty title this year."

Club club club clubbin' that horse.

Monday, January 27, 2014

#024 - Ghastly Call

"The story in Call of Duty Ghosts is so Goddamn awful, who the hell comes up with these scenarios? The storyflow is based on how quickly shit explodes and how much shit explodes. Fuck, if it didn't only take 3 minutes before something detonated preemptively, you could smack a BRAZZERS logo to every chapter."

At least the AI isn't fishy. Fuck off, the bandwagon had room.

Friday, January 24, 2014

#023 - SYGH

"RYSE has got mischievous Gods, a happy go lucky Boudica, werewolf men, Spartacus-if-he-was-Roman and infinite amounts of 'non Roman barbarians'. Oh, right, also Boudica invades Rome on fucking war elephants. Fuck your historical accuracy, woman got elephants."

Jupiter's cock... We need a fucking exorcist to pull the bullshit out of this game.

#022 - Crossing It

"Spec Ops The Line should have won award after award, for fucks sake. No shooter, hell no game has ever made me feel like I'm a worse thing to have happened to those people since the event that started the game initially."

A stab at Hell's heart, from darkness within thee.

#021 - Sixteen Valves of Analogy

"So well over two years ago I made a Volkswagen/Bugatti analogy for Valve's practices. Then last year I made another. Once again, the analogy is changed... As of today, the Golfs got nicked, the Scirocco is gathering dust and the Bugatti shell sits in a fucking scrap yard, but progress on the Fisker! There's many different kinds made by Audi, BMW, Porsche, Chevrolet, NASA, the Washington Post, Arbies, so on!"

The analogy shall remain, this I swear to thee.

#020 - Civilized

"Playing Civilization V: A Brave New World to rekindle the old days of yesteryear. Yes, you can have my silk and citrus if you'll stop mauling my fucking city. Thank you Gandhi."

If war fails, send fruit.

#019 - Disinfectant Z

"Two hours into the Day Z alpha, I force-fed a dude disinfectant and watched him die slowly and painfully. All I wanted was a can opener."

Beans. Bullets. Disinfectant.

#018 - Danger Zone

"There's plenty iterations of the SteamBox. Varied from 499$ to 4999$, a choice for everyone!"

Valve adding to that no fly zone between consoles and building your own computer, the "why the fuck would you" zone.